I’m sure everybody had that girl in class whose grades were higher than everyone’s else. She cried when she got 95% on the test instead of 100% because she was convinced her mum was going to ground her for that. Who was calm and never got in trouble. A teacher’s pet. A perfect schooler. And her life seemed so perfect also. Top of the class, top in sports, top at everything, until…

I was that girl. I was the perfect child. And if you think, my life was perfect, it’s far from the truth. For a long time, I believed that my life was perfect, but I struggled with depression and couldn’t figure out why. I had loving parents, we didn’t need to worry about money, I had a lot of friends, and was at the top of the class. So why am I not happy?

It took me years to realize how much pressure I was under. How much trauma I carried with me every day, and how it affected me. A perfect child turned into a young adult who was scared of failing to such a degree that they couldn’t acknowledge that they can’t do everything. Not being able to succeed at something the first time meant they were useless, even though nobody except them thought that. No game is just a game, it’s a battle, and if you lose even once, you’re the worst player in the world and don’t deserve to even sit at the table. When you’re friends leave and don’t text you anymore or betray you, it’s not them it’s you. You couldn’t hold on to them, you weren’t good enough. Nobody loves you. No one cares. You’re alone if you can’t meet the non-existing standard.

It’s only now in my 20 that I started my healing journey. I moved out of my parent’s house and discovered how many negative thoughts I had from trauma. My body image and dysphoria, inability to accept failings, being scared of rejection and losing somebody. Of course, not all of that came from my family, but I was unable to start discovering those problems and healing, while I lived with them. I’m not blaming them or anybody else for what I went through and the work I still need to do, to accept myself. In the end, we all have our problems and trauma. The only thing I want you to remember from all of this is that you can change. And it’s not always you, who’s at fault. Remember, you’re human, you can make mistakes and learn from them, you can be different and you should, and most of all, you should learn to love yourself and listen to your body, because only YOU know, what you need and want in life.